Taking a deeper look into our taboo sexual fantasies and kinky desires, can be an extraordinarily illuminating experience. Furthermore it can have a really positive effect in so many areas of our lives, yet we are often so debilitated by shame that we cannot even tell our nearest and dearest we have these dirty little secrets.
Or else, we proudly live out our fantasies in the kink scene… or by being a player… or masturbating to them… but are afraid to lift the lid and take a closer peak at what they mean and end up missing out on their full potential at best, and hurting ourselves and others, at worst.
One of the reasons that we often feel so much shame around sexual fantasies, is that they frequently tap into parts of us we have suppressed. We are often in denial about these aspects of ourselves so when our sexual fantasies knock on the door we feel as though they don’t really represent us. The shame impulse can kick in and we can suppress our fantasies altogether. Or another common response, is to enjoy kinky desires or taboo fantasies, only for the length of time we are aroused, and then revert to feeling shame in ourselves and brush them back under the proverbial bush.
So many of us fear letting others know what we really think about when fantasising and yet we are all in the same boat! Even those that initially think they don’t have sexual fantasies, discover they do when we take a closer look.
In my work as a lifestyle and professional dominatrix, switch and sex worker I have had the privilege of working closely with thousands of people’s fantasies. I help them tease them out and create play scenes designed on each individual’s unique erotic wiring. While we are all different, there are common themes that emerge again and again. There are also common patterns in the aspects of ourselves that we suppress that are directly linked to our fantasy turn ons.
Some are fantasies are about people we know, others are about ideal lovers and many are embarrassingly politically incorrect! We can feel things that we would never want to act out in everyday life. Aspects of us come out of the murky depths when we allow ourselves to tap into sexual fantasy!
Love and Power is a very common theme. Those that see themselves as loving don’t like to see their desire for power for instance and suppress some of these aspects of self, while those that see themselves as powerful secretly desire to surrender to love… Or be forced to… These aspects come out in our fantasy desires.
Some of those that consider themselves “manly” don’t like to have others know they have a suppressed desire for the attributes socially coded as “feminine”. Yet often those types will be the very ones that come and see me secretly for a cross dressing session… Or to be ravished with strap on… There are of course also other reasons someone might be drawn to this type of play. This is just an example of how a suppressed aspect of us might come out through fantasy.
Being ravished, or ravishing someone is a common theme. Non-consent and rape fantasies can get us hot under the collar even though we don’t really want to experience them in everyday life at all! These fantasies are an entirely different thing to real rape. Our fantasy rapist magically knows how to do all the right things to get us off… Forcing us to experience the aspects of us we deny ourselves…
Sometimes we desire to give up all responsibility and be taken care of by some impossibly perfect lover…
Sometimes we fantasise about doing acts we consider dirty with people who are taboo for us to desire…
Sometimes we desire to hurt or be hurt… Physically or emotionally… Or eroticise things that genuinely cause us distress in real life… Sometimes we eroticise shame itself…
Sometimes our fantasies are less obvious and take a bit more to decipher. They are complex reflections of our inner world… as complex and unique as you are, but however yours show up we have a lot to learn by taking a closer look.
Our inner fantasy world is a stage where all the parts of us we deny can come out to play. However, while we remain in shame or denial about these aspects of ourselves, these aspects take on a life of their own and can rebel against us. They can express themselves in destructive ways.
So what is the antidote? Well this is exactly what I would love to explore with you in my upcoming workshops series.
In the level 1 workshop you will get a chance to explore your recurrent erotic themes. We will also explore what happens when we create an intentional relationship with our sexual fantasies. What happens when we trust our sexual desires as an important message from unconscious selves and cultivate a playful and compassionate curiosity about them? What happens when we find consensual and healthy ways to live out these aspects through play scenes and role play? What happens when we all start accepting these sexual expressions in ourselves and in each other and stop being ashamed to admit we all have them? How will that impact us personally, and collectively as a society?
This workshop is not about trying to “heal” these desires so we don’t have them anymore but quite to the contrary, it is about embracing our denied aspects and creating healthy and super sexy outlets to play with them! It is about turning our sexual shadows into our allies.
Likewise this workshop also acknowledges that it is possible to act out our fantasies in ways that reinforce the shame and suppression cycle and keep us prisoners. I explore the ways in which we can avoid those traps.
In level Two, which is a four day, fully catered retreat with optional play party, I share my skills as a professional kinkster and fantasy specialist. I show you the tools I use to create play scenes that are based on your own, and other people’s fantasy blueprints. Level one teaches you how to work out and relate to those blueprints and level two shows you how to bring them to life through play. Next year I will also be offering a more in depth Practitioner Level Training that includes these skills and much more.
Interestingly, in my experience, unpacking our unique fantasy blueprints doesn’t kill our turn ons, but instead creates more opportunities to intentionally tap into what can be our most exciting and fulfilling sexual expressions.
It also creates really fertile ground for deeper relationship with ourselves and intimacy with our loved ones. It brings us into alignment with ourselves and leads to a sense of healthy sexual wholeness. For some, it can even lead to connection with that aspect of ourselves that is bigger, deeper, wiser than our everyday self.
This work is transformation though play and it’s super hot! What’s not to love about that!
Are you someone who only ever secretly fantasises while watching porn, during sex or while masturbating but would like to learn how to get more out of these desires by bringing them into your sex life more proactively and openly? Then this workshop series is for you.
Are you someone who has a partner with taboo desires completely different from your own and experiences confusion about this disconnect? Would you like to understand these fantasies more and learn how to play with them in ways that are mutually fulfilling? Then come along, this is going to be really helpful for you.
Are you someone who would love to know how to discover your own, and other people’s, sexual fantasy blueprint and how to design a play scene around it that hits all the right buttons? Well let me share my years of experience and the knowledge I have gleaned from creating thousands of play scenes as a professional. Level 2, the four-day, fully catered retreat & optional play party will be especially useful for you. However, first you need to understand level 1.
Are you someone who has played around in the kink scene and done-all-the-things, but feel as though there is something more possible with this play? Something you can’t quite put your finger on? Then this is for you too.
All genders and sexual orientations are welcome. Singles, monogamous couples, poly folk, you are all welcome. You do not need to have a partner to attend.
There will be no nudity or sexual activities on level 1 but in level 2 there will be the possibilities of your own expression at the optional play party. You could also easily attend level 2 without ever choosing to be nude or play in any overtly sexual ways. You are invited to participate only to whatever level you feel comfortable with at any given moment and honor your learning edge. Safety and consent frameworks will be openly discussed and put in place. Breaches of these codes of conduct will be taken seriously and may result in your removal without a refund.
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